Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A new chapter! Ready or not, here I come!

I honestly cannot believe that we are moving. I said 2 years ago that I would never move again lol.
We just added on and remodeled our entire house and now we are leaving it behind and I am scared!

8 years ago we moved to this podunk town to take over a very small business caring for others.
My husband is truly amazing. He took that business, seeing its potential and went from 8 adults to 48 soon to be 64! He loves his job and is thriving in his profession! I am SO proud of him! It mat seem silly but living here for 8 years has been for my husband, it was his time to shine and I knew that! Look at him now. He is in a great place in life, now it is my turn!

When we welcomed Halle into our lives my life was really the only one that changed drastically.
It is really a point I can see clearly as the beginning of our family.
I can also tell you that it was also the time when MY life changed.
Being a stay at home parent really involves sacrifice for me. Living in a small town with our little ones all in a row has been tough. It also helped in my transition to hermit. I am only seen when I want to be seen. I don't leave the house unless necessary in some cases it was 3 weeks between trips to town. Which spiraled to not taking care of myself like I should, from getting dressed to eating, life could be a long block of not seeing another adult but my husband for weeks. Gradually I let go or turned my back on those that were left in my little circle because I will admit I am ashamed of what I have become. I have such a hard time talking to people because I am so out of practice. I'm either too bold or too silly or too shy. I have anxiety in every social situation and sometimes apologize the next day for my behavior.

I am so very disappointed in myself physically. I loved being outdoors, camping, swimming, fishing, walking, but now I just cringe at the thought and am unable to muster up the ability to be that DOer again. Being away from others was lonely and I am a great comfort eater! I don't feel as if I fit in this skin. I would rather not be seen because of the horror I feel I've become.

It is because of these facts that I am scared and SO excited for our next chapter! I really pushed for the move because I need a wake up call. I need socialization and to be forced to find myself again. Most of all I need to be the mother to my children I expect myself to be!
To have them tell me they don't want to be fat like me, mean like me and all of those normal but hurtful things kids this age say, I also want to be the mom that they can remember having fun with and that means being active, not allowing laundry and housework to swallow me up...Not letting the only person I talk to each day be the one to set my mood, which sadly it does make a difference. But bottom line I feel like I have nothing to give right now, I feel as if I disappeared tomorrow no one would miss me and life would not be affected...

I want to feel that I matter and that means throwing myself into the city life where I have to be seen every day, I am not dependent on my partner to set my mood or be my only interaction, I can control how I feel and what I do with my life. I want to do something worthwhile, now is the time for me to find out what that is!

So here I go!
Watch out world, I'm coming!

5 comments:

kc71595 said...

God bless you, Amanda! You may have been writing this for me! Since moving my Grandma in with us I have become exactly like you explained. Giving all the care to her, and not to my children and hubby, and especially not to myself. I will keep you in mind and be praying for you in your new adventures. I truly hope that you will find your wings again and soar!

Alaina and Kyle said...

I know the feeling now just starting to stay at home. I don't want to become that person so I'm getting "outside" of my comfort zone and try to do one social thing a day. Where you moving to by the way??

Callie said...

I was there too, it's no fun. Since getting my job teaching though, my life has changed as have the lives of my kids and hubby. Where are you guys moving to? Good lucky in your new adventures!!

Mother 25 - 8 said...

Amanda, I loved this post. Thanks so much for your beautiful honesty. So glad to have met you!

Amanda said...

We bought a house in the Lewiston Orchards right next to Camelot.
Part of my being seen will happen with walking the kids to school every morning, meaning no pajamas. I even bought a new stroller that has a seat Tandem? so Sydney can be safe and P and S can get on and off when they want on the way! I hope to join a gym and while 2 are in school and 1 in preschool the 2 left and myself can go gymming a few days a week.